"You can come back to the geography. You can’t come back to that combination." That's it. As I was reading it, I felt it. That's the feeling I have when I'm "back home", because I'm no longer the person who lived there, it is impossible to recreate how I felt there. Thanks for sharing it! It gives me a way to deal with that feeling.
I've felt this over and over. I left home to make another place my home and now this is my home, but so is that, in a totally different way. And neither is completely my home either.
“The place recognizes you. You don’t quite recognize yourself within it.” That line hit hard. After years of living in Hong Kong, Spain, Canada, Dubai, New York and Berlin, I’ve had that feeling more than once. You return somewhere that is supposed to feel like home and everything is exactly where you left it, except you’re carrying years of experiences, habits and assumptions that didn’t exist before. The strange part is that nothing is wrong. The place hasn’t rejected you. You’ve simply outgrown the version of yourself that once fit there so naturally.
Mats, thank you for naming it so precisely. That experience of everything being exactly where you left it while you’re carrying years of other lives inside you is one of the clearest descriptions of what returners in my research keep circling around as well.
The place hasn’t rejected you, as you say – it’s just that the version of you it remembers no longer quite exists in the same way, and that mismatch can be such a strange, tender grief to hold.
Lena, that means a lot coming from you. So many of the people I speak to are caught off guard by this exact phase, and being able to bring a bit of that research into the open with fellow “in-between” people like you feels really grounding :)
Yes, I feel this so much when I go home. It’s such a strange feeling - like nothing has changed, but I have. And at the same time, life back home has gone on without me.
I keep thinking about this feeling of leaving home to go home. Both places don’t fully feel like home anymore because home feels split between the two now. It can be really disorienting, like I’m returning to a place that knows an older version of me better than who I am now.
I’m going back to the States this summer and already have mixed feelings about it, but this essay captured so much of what I’ve been feeling.
Ahh, Jasmine, I’m glad this essay met you where you are, especially with a trip back coming up. That split-home feeling (leaving home to go home, and arriving as the older version everyone remembers rather than who you are now) is one of the most common threads in my research, and also one of the most disorienting to live.
Wishing you a lot of gentleness with yourself as you move through this summer visit.
Culture reverse shock is often underestimated. Having the right guide through this phase can help avoid moments of loneliness and cognitive dissonance.
It's not always easy to identify what has shifted within us, but the right questions can shine a light on our blind spots, helping us move forward without losing ourselves in the process.
So true, Emanuela! That reverse culture shock piece really is underestimated. What you describe about loneliness, cognitive dissonance, and needing the right questions rather than quick fixes is exactly what I’ve been seeing in calls with returners as well. Having someone to guide you in identifying what you're experiencing is key so you don't feel as alone while you're in it :)
I have cycled through so many homes it seems lately. It's less a place as I grow older and more of a feeling of security and being myself, especially after my parents left our childhood home. I haven't been "home" to Chicago in many years, unless you count a brief work conference or spreading my mom's ashes. Maybe it's for the best. I haven't been to Lyon, France since we moved away. I think me stalling is wanting to preserve how I feel in each place just as it always was.
Oof, that image of “preserving how I feel in each place just as it always was” is so exact. It’s not just about avoiding going back, it’s about protecting the version of you and that place that only exists intact at a distance. Home as a feeling of being yourself, not a postcode, is something I keep hearing in the research too — you've captured all of that in what you shared here.
Ahh thank you, Mariana, that means a lot :). That return-year tenderness is so real, and it’s exactly the kind of experience I had in mind as I was writing this. I’m glad some of those unnamed bits had somewhere to land for you.
I was one to cry after coming back to my home country after raising a young child , from baby days to the second childhood in another country.
You are very right about the family and friends that greet you as they knew you before moving, even though they visited in the abroad home , but the grief you cary, that's something they definitely can't understand.
Why would you grieve when you're among your people , right ? I was the spoiled one.
If it's something I'm scared after moving from my abroad home is this: I can't move back to may home country as long as I'm still quite young because there's too much pressure and expectations, I don't know if I'm expressing it as it should.
Daniela, thank you for sharing this so openly. "Why would you grieve when you're among your people" — that line says everything. The grief gets read as ingratitude, or selfishness, when really it's just the cost of having built something real somewhere else. And that pressure of expectations when you return — like the people who love you most are holding a version of you that no longer exists — that comes up again and again in my conversations with returners. You're expressing it exactly as I’ve heard it come up in my research, and it deserves language. Appreciate you reading.
I read all your posts. I can't comment to all , because they bring back some memories , but most of all feelings I wouldn't like always to remember. I am content with this new version of me these days :)
Daniela, that means a lot! And no pressure to comment on anything. I'm glad you're here and appreciate that it resonates, even if it’s a past version of you that I may be writing to :)
"You can come back to the geography. You can’t come back to that combination." That's it. As I was reading it, I felt it. That's the feeling I have when I'm "back home", because I'm no longer the person who lived there, it is impossible to recreate how I felt there. Thanks for sharing it! It gives me a way to deal with that feeling.
I’m so glad to hear it, Cristina!
Thanks for sharing.
This is very beautifully written.
I've felt this over and over. I left home to make another place my home and now this is my home, but so is that, in a totally different way. And neither is completely my home either.
Thanks for sharing ☺️🙏🏼
“The place recognizes you. You don’t quite recognize yourself within it.” That line hit hard. After years of living in Hong Kong, Spain, Canada, Dubai, New York and Berlin, I’ve had that feeling more than once. You return somewhere that is supposed to feel like home and everything is exactly where you left it, except you’re carrying years of experiences, habits and assumptions that didn’t exist before. The strange part is that nothing is wrong. The place hasn’t rejected you. You’ve simply outgrown the version of yourself that once fit there so naturally.
Mats, thank you for naming it so precisely. That experience of everything being exactly where you left it while you’re carrying years of other lives inside you is one of the clearest descriptions of what returners in my research keep circling around as well.
The place hasn’t rejected you, as you say – it’s just that the version of you it remembers no longer quite exists in the same way, and that mismatch can be such a strange, tender grief to hold.
You beautifully articulated this specific feeling that can catch so many off guard. I loved seeing a glimpse into your research as well!
Lena, that means a lot coming from you. So many of the people I speak to are caught off guard by this exact phase, and being able to bring a bit of that research into the open with fellow “in-between” people like you feels really grounding :)
Yes, I feel this so much when I go home. It’s such a strange feeling - like nothing has changed, but I have. And at the same time, life back home has gone on without me.
I keep thinking about this feeling of leaving home to go home. Both places don’t fully feel like home anymore because home feels split between the two now. It can be really disorienting, like I’m returning to a place that knows an older version of me better than who I am now.
I’m going back to the States this summer and already have mixed feelings about it, but this essay captured so much of what I’ve been feeling.
Ahh, Jasmine, I’m glad this essay met you where you are, especially with a trip back coming up. That split-home feeling (leaving home to go home, and arriving as the older version everyone remembers rather than who you are now) is one of the most common threads in my research, and also one of the most disorienting to live.
Wishing you a lot of gentleness with yourself as you move through this summer visit.
Culture reverse shock is often underestimated. Having the right guide through this phase can help avoid moments of loneliness and cognitive dissonance.
It's not always easy to identify what has shifted within us, but the right questions can shine a light on our blind spots, helping us move forward without losing ourselves in the process.
So true, Emanuela! That reverse culture shock piece really is underestimated. What you describe about loneliness, cognitive dissonance, and needing the right questions rather than quick fixes is exactly what I’ve been seeing in calls with returners as well. Having someone to guide you in identifying what you're experiencing is key so you don't feel as alone while you're in it :)
I have cycled through so many homes it seems lately. It's less a place as I grow older and more of a feeling of security and being myself, especially after my parents left our childhood home. I haven't been "home" to Chicago in many years, unless you count a brief work conference or spreading my mom's ashes. Maybe it's for the best. I haven't been to Lyon, France since we moved away. I think me stalling is wanting to preserve how I feel in each place just as it always was.
Oof, that image of “preserving how I feel in each place just as it always was” is so exact. It’s not just about avoiding going back, it’s about protecting the version of you and that place that only exists intact at a distance. Home as a feeling of being yourself, not a postcode, is something I keep hearing in the research too — you've captured all of that in what you shared here.
This is so beautiful and captured so many things I felt when I moved back home for a year
Ahh thank you, Mariana, that means a lot :). That return-year tenderness is so real, and it’s exactly the kind of experience I had in mind as I was writing this. I’m glad some of those unnamed bits had somewhere to land for you.
I was one to cry after coming back to my home country after raising a young child , from baby days to the second childhood in another country.
You are very right about the family and friends that greet you as they knew you before moving, even though they visited in the abroad home , but the grief you cary, that's something they definitely can't understand.
Why would you grieve when you're among your people , right ? I was the spoiled one.
If it's something I'm scared after moving from my abroad home is this: I can't move back to may home country as long as I'm still quite young because there's too much pressure and expectations, I don't know if I'm expressing it as it should.
Daniela, thank you for sharing this so openly. "Why would you grieve when you're among your people" — that line says everything. The grief gets read as ingratitude, or selfishness, when really it's just the cost of having built something real somewhere else. And that pressure of expectations when you return — like the people who love you most are holding a version of you that no longer exists — that comes up again and again in my conversations with returners. You're expressing it exactly as I’ve heard it come up in my research, and it deserves language. Appreciate you reading.
I read all your posts. I can't comment to all , because they bring back some memories , but most of all feelings I wouldn't like always to remember. I am content with this new version of me these days :)
Daniela, that means a lot! And no pressure to comment on anything. I'm glad you're here and appreciate that it resonates, even if it’s a past version of you that I may be writing to :)