On migratory grief and the losses abroad that don't have a name — and why they're harder to carry for long-term expats, immigrants, and globally mobile folks.
I found myself thinking about the phrase "the grief that doesn't get witnessed." What struck me is that many of the losses you describe are not hidden because they are insignificant, but because they don't fit the categories people usually recognize as grief. Naming them feels important for that reason alone.
Patrick, thank you for this — you’ve put words to something I was circling around but hadn’t named outright.
Yes, so many of these losses aren’t hidden because they’re small, but because they don’t match the usual templates people have for “real” grief. Naming them feels like a first step in making them visible enough to be tended to, both for ourselves and for each other.
This is poignant. Growing up abroad and then moving several times for jobs and changing jobs within the same city over the last 20 years, this very much reflects what I feel. I have friends everywhere but haven't really belonged anywhere for many years.
Perhaps oddly, it's my search for that sense of belonging that is provoking my move overseas. Expats are my peeps.
Frances, I’m glad this landed with you. What you describe — friends everywhere, not really belonging anywhere for a long time — is something that comes up again and again in my conversations with long‑term expats and returners. It makes a lot of sense that the search for belonging is part of what’s calling you overseas again, and that “expats are my peeps” feels true in your body as much as in your biography :). Thank you for sharing.
Anyone who has lived abroad for a short time knows this grief, and it's so very true that it is made up of small loses. And that compounds. I feel an urgency every June because I know that is when so many people take flight in the Northern Hemisphere. So, yeah, feeling the losses coming up this month.
Ooof, that line about grief being made up of small losses that compound is exactly what I keep hearing in conversations too.
And yes to the June urgency — there’s this strange anticipatory grief when you know a wave of people are about to take flight again, even before anyone has actually left… it makes a lot of sense that everything is feeling closer to the surface for you in the coming days.
Hoping your recent holiday was what you, Enrique and the boys needed :)
I found myself thinking about the phrase "the grief that doesn't get witnessed." What struck me is that many of the losses you describe are not hidden because they are insignificant, but because they don't fit the categories people usually recognize as grief. Naming them feels important for that reason alone.
Patrick, thank you for this — you’ve put words to something I was circling around but hadn’t named outright.
Yes, so many of these losses aren’t hidden because they’re small, but because they don’t match the usual templates people have for “real” grief. Naming them feels like a first step in making them visible enough to be tended to, both for ourselves and for each other.
I really appreciate you reflecting that back :)
Pleasure reading, wonderful piece!
This is poignant. Growing up abroad and then moving several times for jobs and changing jobs within the same city over the last 20 years, this very much reflects what I feel. I have friends everywhere but haven't really belonged anywhere for many years.
Perhaps oddly, it's my search for that sense of belonging that is provoking my move overseas. Expats are my peeps.
Frances, I’m glad this landed with you. What you describe — friends everywhere, not really belonging anywhere for a long time — is something that comes up again and again in my conversations with long‑term expats and returners. It makes a lot of sense that the search for belonging is part of what’s calling you overseas again, and that “expats are my peeps” feels true in your body as much as in your biography :). Thank you for sharing.
Anyone who has lived abroad for a short time knows this grief, and it's so very true that it is made up of small loses. And that compounds. I feel an urgency every June because I know that is when so many people take flight in the Northern Hemisphere. So, yeah, feeling the losses coming up this month.
Ooof, that line about grief being made up of small losses that compound is exactly what I keep hearing in conversations too.
And yes to the June urgency — there’s this strange anticipatory grief when you know a wave of people are about to take flight again, even before anyone has actually left… it makes a lot of sense that everything is feeling closer to the surface for you in the coming days.
Hoping your recent holiday was what you, Enrique and the boys needed :)